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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Ever Feel Like You're The Bridesmaid and Never The Bride?

As someone who is single and self-employed I sometimes get very scared about what I'm doing. It's risky. There's no certainty in being a writer, it's actually the exact opposite.

Most of the time I manage to keep a good attitude/deny the realities of my life's precariousness, but once in a while it all comes crashing down. Last night was one of those nights. I kept feeling like I wanted to cry, and it wasn't until a phone conversation with my boyfriend that I was finally able to put my finger on it - I was feeling that I keep working my bottom off, doing everything I can to further my career, and it doesn't ever seem to take hold.. Hence, always the bridesmaid never the bride feeling

All of us have been there - we see contemporaries surpass us and don't understand why - we're doing everything right, right? I have just completed my second novel, I have a great agent at a big-time NYC literary agency, I am on the radio weekly, I have regular newspaper columns, but I am always the Rhoda and never the Mary.

This morning when I woke up I checked my email and found a blog post about facing your fears.that so resonated with me it made me want to write this.

The author, Mastin Kipp talked about saying yes to your dreams even in the face of fear. He has talked before about losing everything before it all came together, and keeping on even in the face of what looked like utter defeat.

Even as I tearfully went to sleep last night I reminded myself that it's often when things look impossible that doors open, or at least a window gets cracked a bit. What I believe, even when I am sitting on my bed surrounded by snotty tissues, is that you HAVE to follow your dreams, even when, especially when they seem impossible to achieve. If forging a path was easy, or becoming a successful author, everyone would do it.

I've overcome a lot in my life - debilitating panic attacks, divorce, a son's drug addiction, losing my parents, breakups and setbacks, and I have learned invaluable lessons from every one of those hurdles. This is just another opportunity to grow, learn and stand firm in my determination.to achieve everything I dream of.

Life isn't easy, but this is our one chance to do what we love with everything we've got. And if it's not coming together the way we hope right when we want it to, we can't give up. We have to believe there is a bigger plan and that behind the scenes things are happening that we don't even realize.

I will always periodically fall apart and wonder what the hell I'm doing. But hopefully I get a little farther down the path each time, a little closer to the dream, and a little smarter as well. No matter what, I love what I do and what it ends up looking like is what its supposed to be. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to fight tooth and nail to get closer to my self-imposed goal every single day. It's how I'm built!

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