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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Just Call Me Kandy Kardashian

I was thinking the other day about how being a Kardashian could enhance my career, and well, my entire ife. The more I thought about it, it seemed like a great idea. And I already have a K sounding name, I only have to change one letter.

If I were a Kardashian my life would be different in many, many ways, and I'm thinking easier and more fun. Here are my all-time top-five ways my life would be better if I became Kandy Kardashian:

1. I'd save money on clothes because there is so little to them. I could probably cut most my clothes in half and get two outfits for the price of one. They're shorter and lower cut, though I might lose any gain with the shoes. While the clothes get smaller and shorter the shoes get higher and pricier.

2. I'd have my pick of NBA or NFL players. Now the downside of this is I am probably old enough to be the mother of most of the players, unless they're old, nearing retirement and riddled with injuries. There is also the unsavory practice of some players texting pictures of their penises to random women. I'd have to get comfortable with that. The upside is there is often lots of fancy jewelry when they get caught.

3. Kris Kardashian would be my mom and make all my decisions for me. She's a bit of a Svengali-mom, but I'd be willing to give up some control for Kardashian bucks.

4. Since I'd be the eldest Kardashian I could open up a whole new area of endorsements. For instance I could take over for Jamie Lee Curtis pushing regularity inducing yogurt on women. Or if we want to work a little bluer, some of those sex enhancing gels aimed at women who need a little oomph. I do however draw the line at any urinary control products or cat food for the sheer implication of spinsterhood.

5. Finally, I'd get to stop feeling like a nerd and be considered hot. Even the least attractive Kardashian is hot - something I'm sure to do with the aforementioned lack of clothing. Maybe by osmosis I'd develop a butt like Kim's and grow lustrous long, dark locks. Or at least then I'd be able to afford the extensions.

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