Can You Be Good and Do a Bad Thing?

I have spent the last seven months marinating in infidelity - as a writer. My next book, "Being Good," explores the idea of whether or not you can be a good person, but make a bad choice... Can you?

I interviewed people and have done a lot of research about infidelity, and what I have come to believe, save the random sociopath who has no moral compass, is that most people are good, and that cheating is a symptom of a relationship that isn't working, and of being unhappy. No one can "steal:' your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, if someone is happy and healthy where they are they are very unlikely to cheat.

What I learned is that good people do indeed sometimes make bad choices, and I don't think that makes them bad people. Is it ever a good thing? That's hard to say. Sometimes an affair is the catalyst to get you out of an unhappy marriage, and sometimes it makes you see you have too much to lose.

It was an interesting topic to explore and write about. It's certainly one that evokes a lot of discussion amongst people...I have been privy to some pretty passionate thoughts on the subject!

Would I cheat on someone? I never have and don't see that as very likely. It is a choice, nothing "just happens" as the man in my life often says. At some point you have to consciously decide to take that road. But, given the ingredients of a relationship that isn't working, I posit that none of us is immune...

I look forward to "Being Good:" being published and seeing what the world thinks... I'm sure I will hear a lot about it.

Can We Get An "A" Up In Here?

So, unless you've been living under a rock, or manage to avoid all things pop culture, you are aware of these two stars of the "Twilight" movies, and real-life couple. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

Up until last week we mostly heard of this duo in reference to their hit movie series and in are they or aren't they a real couple gossip items.

That was before. Before Kristen Stewart was labeled an Adultress a la Hester Prynne for having an affair with the director of her most recent film, "Snow White and The Huntsman,"Rupert Sanders, a man almost twice her age.

I am fascinated by relationships - why they work, why they don't, monogamy and the lack thereof It's actually the topic of my next novel.

What I've witnessed in what has gone on in the press is not surprising, but nonetheless disappointing. Of course there would be interest - they're celebrities, but the venom with which many have attacked the 22-year-old has been painful to watch. 

Did she make a good choice? No, but she doesn't deserve to be pilloried in the 2012 equivalent of the town square - the Internet.

I probably think a little differently about infidelity than some. I don't believe another person can wreck someone else's relationship and I don't think everyone who strays is a criminal.

I was going to not draw any more attention to this topic, but I felt compelled to write something after I read this post on Huffington Post by Bonnie Fuller accusing Stewart of defaulting on her apparent pledge to moral perfection one unwillingly takes when they become an actor.

This is what I believe: I believe Ms. Stewart is a young woman who has been in the spotlight since she was a teen and has done a pretty good job of not being a train wreck. Her awkward personality aside, she seems like a good kid.  I believe that no one knows what goes on inside another's relationship. Ms. Fuller speculates about what an amazingly awesome boyfriend Pattinson was to Stewart, (me thinks Ms. Fuller perhaps has a crush on  a certain sparkly vampire herself) but we have no way of knowing the truth. I believe that what goes on in a relationship is no one else's business. I believe no one can break up another relationship. I believe infidelity is a symptom not a cause of relationships breaking up. And I believe we are all human. We're full of faults and weaknesses and we screw up.

It's never acceptable or all right to hurt someone. Especially someone we love.I'm pretty sure Kristen Stewart feels pretty darn bad about her choices. Actually I'm pretty sure she feels terrible. But the thing is she owes none of us a thing. All she's done is prove once again that we are all just doing the best we can, and even on our best day we sometimes really screw it up. Life does go on. We make mistakes, we learn, we grow. I think that's kind of the reason we're here.

Accepting and Loving Our Bodies Ourselves

This young woman, Julia Bluhm, saw a problem and did something about it. At 14, and a reader of Seventeen magazine, she was struck but the way all the models looked in the magazine - perfect.Knowing this does not necessarily exist in nature she set out on a campaign to get the magazine - aimed at tweens and teens, to stoop Photoshopping the young models, and show the readers what they really look like.

And the amazing thing is - she won! I came across this story today and felt so inspired by her passion for showing young girls that no one, not even models are perfect.

My own love/hate affair with my body began at about 12. And it's continued on throughout my life. Hair too fine, breasts too small, stretch marks, cellulite, you name it, I've got it. I obsess over my body and face like a forensics specialist critiquing every square inch, hopefully finding a spot or two to feel good about.

Granted this has gotten better as I've gotten older, I no longer completely define myself by what I look like, but the vestiges are there causing me to be self-conscious about being naked in front of a lover (unless lying down - everything looks better lying down - and by candlelight) and causing me angst.

Every single morning I wake up and one of the first things I do is ease my hand down over my stomach and hips. While doing this I do a mental inventory of what I ate the night before and decide how bad to feel about myself in that moment. Stomach sunken in? Hip bones protruding? That is the best feeling. Don't pretend you haven't felt that too.

Food guilt. A friend told me I suffered from it. I'm not anorexic nor bulimic, but yes, what I eat matters and what I look like matters even more. Maybe it's shallow but it's a condition brought on by years of Cosmo, Glamour, Marie Claire, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Vogue and Playboy. Because you know, we're not just supposed to be skinny, we're supposed to have huge breasts as well.

Yes of course there are men who also suffer from body image issues, but in general, men are much more forgiving of their not-so-hot spots. I've never, ever been with a man who dissects his body part by part (well, maybe just one part) the way women do. I guarantee they do not feel the same pressure we do to be perfect. And smart. And successful. No wonder we eat in secret and hide it from everyone. Too.Much.Guilt.

I am with someone who thinks I am stunning, even when my scale registers three pounds up. My hope is that with young women like Julia Bluhm leading the way we'll all have a chance to see a lot more of what real women look like, and love that and ourselves a whole lot more.

The Biggest Lie

Women have been selling each other a big pack of lies for a long time and it's time to stop.

In an effort to be kind we do just the opposite by not telling each or ourselves the truth. Yeah yeah yeah... we all read the book or saw the movie, we all know the dreaded words... "He's Just Not That Into You." But the thing is we don't hear them and can't say them.

A friend told me today that she had been quite blunt in a conversation with another friend telling her what she'd wanted to say for a while - he doesn't love you.

We lie to our friends and tell them things to comfort them - he's probably working a lot, he lost your number, he's scared because he likes you so much... All lies. It's really not that complicated - if a guy wants to be with you he will be.

I have spun myself many a tale of fear of getting close, fear of commitment, being stressed and confused. All because I couldn't face the fact that the guy I wanted to be with didn't want to be with me. At least not as much as I wanted to be with him.

I used it as a theme in my book, "The Best Worst Year," my protagonist struggles with the guy who won't let her in. She wastes a lot of time and tears by denying the truth. A guy who loves you introduces you to friends, takes you places and includes you in their life.

Bottom line - if a guy wants to be with you, if he loves you, there's no doubt about it. It's time we stop lying to ourselves and each other and face the truth. It's really pretty simple.

Nora Ephron: My Writing Heroine

Long before I became a writer by profession I was obsessed with the words of others. I would watch movies like "Sleepless in Seattle," "You've Got Mail," and my all-time favorite, "When Harry Met Sally," over and over, until I was able to recite the snappy, clever dialogue.

Nora Ephron became a screenwriter and director at a time when there weren't many women let into that club. But it's no surprise, as a graduate of the stalwart women's college, Wellesley, (my daughter's alma mater!) she was a trail blazer.

She began in the mail room at Newsweek and eventually became a very accomplished journalist penning stories and columns, the latter of which punctuated with her signature wit.

It's not easy being a writer. It's lonely, isolating and filled with rejection. Unless you have a writing partner it means hours and hours of being alone. It's a bit of an odd career to choose. Somehow you are fine with being somewhat anti-social, but crave to share what you have to say with others. We are a strange breed. But writers are amongst my absolute favorite people to be with.

As a journalist, and novelist I always dreamed of getting to interview Ms. Ephron. I write about pop culture and entertainment and to me she was the pinnacle of success as a woman writer. It is because of her that we have the likes of Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling now.

When I was working on my first novel, I would write scenes and as crazy as it sounds, as I wrote dialogue I would think, "What would Nora say?" I wanted my own voice of course, but I aspired to capture the wit, wisdom and realness of what she was able to achieve. I long to create lines people, like me, will remember and recite.

I find it so sad that Nora is now gone and the world will have to rely on what's already been captured on film and the writen page. Women like her, like Dorothy Parker are rare and to be relished. I thank her for giving me a very high bar to aspire to reach, I can only hope to have one one thousandth of the success she had.

You make me want to be a better writer, Nora. And you inspire me to keep going against all odds. Something tells me I'm not alone.Thank you.

Do Women Need to Be Taught How To Pick A Good Man?

I read a piece today about how women need to be taught the fine art of finding a supportive partner. that got me thinking. What I posit is that for many of us, while the roles and opportunities have changed and expanded, we're still stuck in an old paradigm of what we look for in a man.

I'm a big fan of women, and men too, I just think when it comes to vetting partners we can all be bad choosers. I know I have been.

What this article declares is that choosing the right partner makes a huge difference in your lifestyle - both in your home life and career. The right partner, one who is a cheerleader, not a wet blanket, can make all the difference. If you have a partner who is willing to be supportive and  encouraging you will mostly likely go further in your career, have more help at home, and well, probably have a better life!

Sadly, many women (ahem, I cop to this) don't make conscious choices, they wait to get picked and do a lot of forcing their round selves into the square holes of relationships that just aren't as wonderful as they should be. I however, finally (!) am making more conscious choices and deciding whether or not I want someone, not just do they want me. There are some clubs you just don't want to be a member of.

We have a lot of really bad role models out there - celebrities who choose fancy weddings over actually choosing a spouse, women vying for a rose and wanting some schmuck to pick them (never wondering if they really like him!) and a plethora of "Housewives" and "Jersey Shore" residents who don't look far below the surface when picking a boyfriend or husband. And of course the sad and pathetic Gigi in "He's Just Not That Into You," the girl who is yoked to her cell phone waiting for a guy, any guy to pick her, Ugh!

I bristled at first blush at the concept of teaching women to choose a good husband, but the more I thought about it I'm thinking it's not such a bad idea. After years of indoctrination leading us to think if a guy likes you he doesn't treat you well,,, maybe we do need a course, And a good, stiff backbone. 

Stop thinking the guy who makes you feel insecure, off-balance and worried is "the one" because he deigns to call  you once in a while. Do me a favor - the next time you meet a guy don't sit there wondering if he likes you, will call again or doodle his name on a legal pad. Think hard, very hard...and ask yourself, What do I think? What do I want? You might find you come up with a much different scenario.

What Would Be on Your Boyfriend Application?

A friend was telling me about a song he heard called, "Boyfriend Application." He came into my house singing this punk rock song, "Do you wanna be my boyfriend? Fill out an application!" It was funny, but it got me thinking... what would I put on an application for someone to be my boyfriend? This is a brief version:
Name:
DOB:
Height:
Weight:
Are you employed?
What was the last thing you read? (I'm a writer - this matters!)
What is your all-time favorite book?
Movie?
Album?
Do you ever get bored? If so what so you do?
How do you deal with things that bother you? Do you get mad? Do you self-medicate? Do you shut down?
Are you impatient?
Are you honest?
What is your idea of the perfect day? The perfect night out?
Are you a planner when you travel or are you more laid back and like to see what comes up?
Can you be my champion?
Can you let me be yours?
Do you like animals?
What's your relationship like with alcohol and/or drugs?
Is there something you absolutely love to do? A passion?
How's your follow-through?
Are you a talker?
If I was sick, would you:
a. ignore me at the risk of getting sick yourself
b. bring me soup, ginger ale and magazines
Are you witty? Smart?
Politics - left/right? Blue/red?
Can you put someone else first - at least sometimes?

I could go on and on... but for now I'm going to leave it here. I don't think I could ever ask a guy to fill out an actual application, but maybe just knowing what I might ask, could make things a whole lot clearer, and help me make a lot fewer mistakes.