Ever Feel Like You're The Bridesmaid and Never The Bride?

As someone who is single and self-employed I sometimes get very scared about what I'm doing. It's risky. There's no certainty in being a writer, it's actually the exact opposite.

Most of the time I manage to keep a good attitude/deny the realities of my life's precariousness, but once in a while it all comes crashing down. Last night was one of those nights. I kept feeling like I wanted to cry, and it wasn't until a phone conversation with my boyfriend that I was finally able to put my finger on it - I was feeling that I keep working my bottom off, doing everything I can to further my career, and it doesn't ever seem to take hold.. Hence, always the bridesmaid never the bride feeling

All of us have been there - we see contemporaries surpass us and don't understand why - we're doing everything right, right? I have just completed my second novel, I have a great agent at a big-time NYC literary agency, I am on the radio weekly, I have regular newspaper columns, but I am always the Rhoda and never the Mary.

This morning when I woke up I checked my email and found a blog post about facing your fears.that so resonated with me it made me want to write this.

The author, Mastin Kipp talked about saying yes to your dreams even in the face of fear. He has talked before about losing everything before it all came together, and keeping on even in the face of what looked like utter defeat.

Even as I tearfully went to sleep last night I reminded myself that it's often when things look impossible that doors open, or at least a window gets cracked a bit. What I believe, even when I am sitting on my bed surrounded by snotty tissues, is that you HAVE to follow your dreams, even when, especially when they seem impossible to achieve. If forging a path was easy, or becoming a successful author, everyone would do it.

I've overcome a lot in my life - debilitating panic attacks, divorce, a son's drug addiction, losing my parents, breakups and setbacks, and I have learned invaluable lessons from every one of those hurdles. This is just another opportunity to grow, learn and stand firm in my determination.to achieve everything I dream of.

Life isn't easy, but this is our one chance to do what we love with everything we've got. And if it's not coming together the way we hope right when we want it to, we can't give up. We have to believe there is a bigger plan and that behind the scenes things are happening that we don't even realize.

I will always periodically fall apart and wonder what the hell I'm doing. But hopefully I get a little farther down the path each time, a little closer to the dream, and a little smarter as well. No matter what, I love what I do and what it ends up looking like is what its supposed to be. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to fight tooth and nail to get closer to my self-imposed goal every single day. It's how I'm built!

On Class and Status

Class and status  aren't things I have thought a lot about since I became an adult, but as a child it was different. When I came across this article today it got me thinking.

My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mom, needing a way to support my older brother and I, took a teaching job at a small private school. Due to her employment, we received scholarships and were able to attend a school that normally would have certainly been beyond our means.

At a young age I noticed things about my classmates that were small and subtle, but showed me that my family was different. For one thing, I didn't have a dad coming home from his law office or factory he owned, my dad wasn't coming home at all. We ate dinner at 5:30, not 7, like these upper middle class families did, and we didn't take vacations. While they jetted off to ski in Switzerland or to swim in the Caribbean, I was, at best, in for a two hour car ride to my grandmother's house in Western Massachusetts.

We wore uniforms, so the competition for clothes was removed, but still, I knew our lives were very different. They had bigger homes, drove Volvos and Saabs (the cars of old money) and we had a Buick. Even at eight I saw these things.

We were not poor, but money was tight. My mom tutored all summer to make ends meet, but she still managed to buy us a house, clothe us and we never went hungry. She was a good child of the Depression.. She was frugal, but we never went without what we truly needed. Without any real assistance from my father she raised us, all alone.

I hadn't thought much about class of late until a year ago when I met the man I am currently in a relationship with, He grew up in a working class family, and when he met me he joked that I am the first WASP he'd dated,. I never thought about being WASP'y. Having been raised by a single working mom I never felt at all privileged. In my mind, his upbringing and mine were the same. But I see in many ways they weren't. I did have certain advantages that he did not. My grandparents had raised my parents with certain advantages and attitudes about education and success, and I now see I was raised to believe I could do and be anything. I get it that because of my WASP'y upbringing I do believe I can create the life I want and am positive that with hard work and a little luck, I can make most anything happen. My advantage just might be optimism..

My mom looked a lot like Kate Hepburn (which is why I used this photo). We are a tall, lanky, blue-eyed family. We certainly look the part of WASPs. But the thing is, you can't tell everything about anyone from outward appearances. That's the thing about class and status - it's a pretty superficial way to judge people. Once you scratch the surface we're all a lot more alike than we might think.

Women, Competition, and Hating on Each Other

I woke up this morning to hear about the latest war in girl-on-girl world. Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm not talking about "Girl on girl"... this is about how horrible women can be to each other. And now every guy's eyes turn away from this post. Good... they wouldn't get this anyway.

Yesterday, E!News corespondent, Guilana Rancic committed the horrible crime of saying she puts her husband first, ahead of their son. Now I've got the feeling little Duke Ranic is not languishing in his fancy crib unattended to and abandoned. I am sure he is adored and well cared for. Rancic just committed the cardinal sin of saying she loves her husband and makes that relationship a priority, Hmmm,... another woman got in a lot of hot water a few years ago for doing the same thing.

Award winning writer, Ayelet Waldman penned a piece that caused a huge uproar amongst other moms when she wrote that she loved her husband, author Michael Chabon, more than she loved her children. It sparked a debate that pitted woman against woman and caused yet another chasm amongst my gender.

I have always considered myself a woman's woman. I adore my women friends. I cannot imagine a life without my friends. I love the man in my life, but I need the company of women as well. I just can't get how awful we can be to one another. From mean girls as teens (and oh yeah, I know from experience it does not end at high school graduation) to mom's in the PTA judging you it never seems to stop. But why?

I have a theory: We're hard on each other because we're hard on ourselves. I think that women are so hard on themselves that anyone who seems to be doing anything better, and God forbid, look better doing it, has to be knocked down a peg or two. We assume that the mom who looks good when dropping her kids off in the morning is a "bitch" and if, as Rancic found out, she appears to have an active sex life and fulfilling relationship with her husband, she's a bad mother.

We all judge. We couldn't make it through the day without some judgements, but we don't have to be so hard on one another. Men are not nearly as hard on each other as we are. We should be supporting and encouraging each other, not tearing each other apart. We need each other. Being a mom is hard, whether you stay at home, work outside the home, are single or married. Being a woman is delightful. I wouldn't be a guy for anything in the world. For me the clothes alone make it a no brainer.

Let's make a commitment to stop judging one another so harshly and stop comparing ourselves to one another. There's always going to be someone who is younger, prettier, thinner,has nicer clothes and better hair. So? Does that somehow make you any less than who you are? No! I think the best way to solve the girl on girl hate is to just start loving yourself. Just as you are.

The Letting Go That Never Stops

This morning a friend of mine posted this video on Facebook. I spend way too much time watching strange videos like this:

But this video about moms was different. Out of the blue, on a normal, dreary, Wednesday morning, I found myself crying.

As I watched these moms rousing their sleepy children, giving them breakfast, and getting them on their way, I was struck by a cascade of feelings I haven't been aware of for a long time - I miss my kids. And more than that, I miss caring for them.

I became a mom at a very young age and kind of grew up with them. I have spent all of my adult life being a mom, and while I obviously still am, it is not the same.

My children are now 34, 29 and 27, and they are doing what they're supposed to be doing - successfully and happily living their lives on their own and away from me. I console myself by saying this is how parenting is supposed to work - they are together and happy and don't need me the way they once did. This is good. I know it's good. I keep telling myself it's good. But if it's so good, why does it sometimes feel so bad?

We all like to feel needed, and as a mom I am no different. I sometimes really miss the day to day life with them, and all that family time. So now I fill that need by caring for them when they come home to visit, making sure I bake the cookies, make the eggs, (Dylan) the chicken, stuffing and broccoli, (Ben) and have the rice and kimchi (Emma) that makes them feel like they're home. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, so I try to appreciate every second when it does.

As much as I love being a writer, and do embrace the freedom I now have to spend my days working on my career goals, nothing, absolutely nothing will ever mean as much to me as raising and loving my kids. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I would not have missed it for anything.

Staying or Going?

I've been following this book, "The Normal Bar"for weeks now. I am fascinated by relationships, enough so that my next novel, "Being Good" is about an affair.

What is "normal" for one is probably not for another. I have deal breakers that would probably make others laugh, and things that bother others might seem inconsequential to me. Such is the nature of humans.

I was reading an excerpt from the book last night and went to sleep thinking about what makes relationships work or end. I probably would have been more successful trying to crack cold fusion I suspect.

One of the gifts of divorce I have found is that I know I will never settle for, "this is as good as it gets." If it's not working, and no amount of tender loving care is making it work, I won't stay. I have raised my children, I have no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling and happy. I'm willing to work, but if work overpowers joy - no thank you.

Life is way too short to stay when it's not working, and sadly few of us have the skills to do either well.. Especially the leaving...Here's something from my book about how hard it is to go:

             With each step it all became so much clearer to Claire. Rarely does anyone make a graceful exit from a relationship. We are ham-fisted and awkward because it’s too hard to say, “I’m not happy. I need to go.” So we do stupid things like cheat, become terrible partners and pray for the other person to do what we are too scared or weak to. We want them to end it, or, in the absence of that out, we step outside the bounds of marriage and do something we know is most likely unforgivable.

            Most people are not brave enough to actually calculate their exit, they bumble into it, often breaking things too badly to repair them. We are not a terribly sophisticated lot when it comes to things like ending a marriage. Without a conscious awareness many marriages just die of neglect and human frailty.

All the years I've spent on my own, in and out of various relationships has taught me some important things. Whether that translates into being successful in my present relationship only time will tell. but there are a few things that I think are important to remember:

Treat the person you love as kindly as you do others

Be patient. Don't say the first thing that crosses your mind. Use that self-edit button liberally

Affection goes a long way to foster closeness. If you're not kissing, hugging and having sex it's awfully hard to feel intimate and connected.

Have a sense of humor. Even in the worst of times you can find something to laugh about.

Talk to each other. It amazes me how little time some couples spend actually talking to one another.

Take time on your own to be by yourself and with friends without your partner. No one person can fulfill every part of you. Keeping your own identity brings freshness and energy to your relationship.

As I said, I would have a better chance of solving one of physics biggest conundrums than cracking what makes things work or not between people who love each other, or once did. It's probably one of the hardest things we do. I just know I refuse to let it be miserable. I'll go to the mattresses trying to make something work, but hopefully will always maintain enough sense of self to know when it's not. 

 

Can You Be Good and Do a Bad Thing?

I have spent the last seven months marinating in infidelity - as a writer. My next book, "Being Good," explores the idea of whether or not you can be a good person, but make a bad choice... Can you?

I interviewed people and have done a lot of research about infidelity, and what I have come to believe, save the random sociopath who has no moral compass, is that most people are good, and that cheating is a symptom of a relationship that isn't working, and of being unhappy. No one can "steal:' your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, if someone is happy and healthy where they are they are very unlikely to cheat.

What I learned is that good people do indeed sometimes make bad choices, and I don't think that makes them bad people. Is it ever a good thing? That's hard to say. Sometimes an affair is the catalyst to get you out of an unhappy marriage, and sometimes it makes you see you have too much to lose.

It was an interesting topic to explore and write about. It's certainly one that evokes a lot of discussion amongst people...I have been privy to some pretty passionate thoughts on the subject!

Would I cheat on someone? I never have and don't see that as very likely. It is a choice, nothing "just happens" as the man in my life often says. At some point you have to consciously decide to take that road. But, given the ingredients of a relationship that isn't working, I posit that none of us is immune...

I look forward to "Being Good:" being published and seeing what the world thinks... I'm sure I will hear a lot about it.

Can We Get An "A" Up In Here?

So, unless you've been living under a rock, or manage to avoid all things pop culture, you are aware of these two stars of the "Twilight" movies, and real-life couple. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

Up until last week we mostly heard of this duo in reference to their hit movie series and in are they or aren't they a real couple gossip items.

That was before. Before Kristen Stewart was labeled an Adultress a la Hester Prynne for having an affair with the director of her most recent film, "Snow White and The Huntsman,"Rupert Sanders, a man almost twice her age.

I am fascinated by relationships - why they work, why they don't, monogamy and the lack thereof It's actually the topic of my next novel.

What I've witnessed in what has gone on in the press is not surprising, but nonetheless disappointing. Of course there would be interest - they're celebrities, but the venom with which many have attacked the 22-year-old has been painful to watch. 

Did she make a good choice? No, but she doesn't deserve to be pilloried in the 2012 equivalent of the town square - the Internet.

I probably think a little differently about infidelity than some. I don't believe another person can wreck someone else's relationship and I don't think everyone who strays is a criminal.

I was going to not draw any more attention to this topic, but I felt compelled to write something after I read this post on Huffington Post by Bonnie Fuller accusing Stewart of defaulting on her apparent pledge to moral perfection one unwillingly takes when they become an actor.

This is what I believe: I believe Ms. Stewart is a young woman who has been in the spotlight since she was a teen and has done a pretty good job of not being a train wreck. Her awkward personality aside, she seems like a good kid.  I believe that no one knows what goes on inside another's relationship. Ms. Fuller speculates about what an amazingly awesome boyfriend Pattinson was to Stewart, (me thinks Ms. Fuller perhaps has a crush on  a certain sparkly vampire herself) but we have no way of knowing the truth. I believe that what goes on in a relationship is no one else's business. I believe no one can break up another relationship. I believe infidelity is a symptom not a cause of relationships breaking up. And I believe we are all human. We're full of faults and weaknesses and we screw up.

It's never acceptable or all right to hurt someone. Especially someone we love.I'm pretty sure Kristen Stewart feels pretty darn bad about her choices. Actually I'm pretty sure she feels terrible. But the thing is she owes none of us a thing. All she's done is prove once again that we are all just doing the best we can, and even on our best day we sometimes really screw it up. Life does go on. We make mistakes, we learn, we grow. I think that's kind of the reason we're here.