Making Peace With A Good Enough Father

When I was a little girl this is who I wanted to be my dad. Atticus Finch. He represented all that was good and loving in a father as far as I was concerned. Instead I had a father who wasn't present. He left when I was seven, and I rarely saw him after that. When he died almost four years ago I had not seen him in thirty years.

Lest you think this is going to be a whiny walk down the all-I-didn't-get road, it is not. It took me a long time to get here, but I know that everyone does the best they can. Unless someone is a sociopath I don't believe anyone sets out to be a bad parent, they go into it with the best of intentions. Some just do better than others.

I didn't know my father well. He was bright, articulate, well-educated and talking to him was like playing tennis with McEnroe. I was expected to be smart and articulate. I was scolded if I couldn't keep up on the phone. The repartee was fast and at times scathing. He suffered no fools, even if you were his daughter.

As time went on I tired of conversations that exhausted me if I didn't have the rapid, knowledgeable comeback he was looking for. It was stressful.

But then something happened. As I got older. I let go. I finally came to terms with the fact that Atticus Finch would never be my father. When I let go of any expectations I forgave him and was no longer mired in an inner dialogue of wishing for what would never be.

I realize that without his very specific DNA I would not be who I am. Without the hard knocks and losses I also wouldn't be who I am. Compared to many, my childhood was idyllic. I am very lucky in many, many ways.

One of the most egregious (my dad would be so proud of that word)problems I see in our culture is the adult-child-of, syndrome. Like somehow the fact that my dad was an alcoholic who left excuses my behavior for the rest of my life. No, it does not. I am responsible for my lot in life, no one else is. Of course there are wounds, we all have them, but it's our job to get help if we choose, and to heal them and then move forward.

Now I can say that I am glad I had the father I did. Sure Atticus Finch might have been nice, but I know who I am today is because of who my parents were. Even as a writer, the presence is felt. I had a note that I have sadly since lost, that my dad wrote to me a couple of years before he died. I was astounded that he wrote in a very similar voice to my own writing style. That's no accident.

It's nice to be able to say, on this Father's Day weekend, that while yes, there is and always will be some sadness for what I didn't have, I am very grateful for what I did.

Farwell,Oprah

In 1997 my world, as I had known it was forever changed. My marriage was ending and I was faced with the startling realization that I had no idea who I was.

I was a wife, a mother of three...beyond that I had no clue. Yes, I knew I loved books, movies and music, and writing, but those weren't who I was, and now as a single mother who I would become? I was terrified, but also excited to find out.

As a first step I got a job working at the Cape Cod Lighthouse Charter School as assistant to the director. I would get out of school every day in time to come home, get on my treadmill and watch, Oprah.

This was the year Oprah began her "Change your life television," programming.

And yes, it changed my life.

I was introduced to teachers, authors, experts and a way of thinking I'd never experienced. The floor next to my bed was piled high with books by Carolyn Myss ("Why People Don't Heal and How They Can") Gary Zukav, ("Seat of the Soul") and too many to list. I learned that what my life looked like was up to me. Blaming anyone for my lot in life took away my power. I was the boss of my life, no one else.

I learned I was good enough, just as I was, but within that have always continued to grow and learn, because as Maya Angelou said on Oprah, "When you know better you do better." Dr. Angelou also taught me, "When people show you who they are, believe them."

It may sound a bit precious to say I would not be who I am without Oprah, but I believe it's true. She inspired me to keep trying, to take risks, open my heart and believe I can be anything I want to be. I know I am not alone. She has inspired millions of women (and many men I am sure) to embrace who they are and know you can dream big,

I am not sure if without Oprah I would have studied to be a life coach, then have become a journalist, and now, a very optimistic novelist.

My dream of sitting on a couch on The Oprah Show, my novel in hand, will not happen now, but I know I might never have dared to dream a dream this big without all she brought into my life.

But I know she would probably disagree because as she has often said, quoting The Wizard of Oz, "You always had the power..."

Three years ago I wrote my life purpose down in my journal. It says, "My goal is to empower women through my writing. I want to show them they are capable of being anything and everything they want to be." I know this was inspired by all I've learned from Oprah.

Thank you, Oprah for helping me see who I am today, and who I can become tomorrow.

Mother's Day Thank You

When I think about who I am one of the first things I think is, "mother." It's one of the key ways I define who I am. I'm also a woman, a writer, a friend, sister, but mom is first and foremost who and what I am.

I was one of those girls who knew from a very young age I wanted to be a mom. Always the girly girl I played "house" well past an appropriate age, and as a teen longed to create a loving home where I could provide my children with all the love and support I felt at times were lacking in my own life.

My first child was born when I was only 21-years-old. Ridiculously young as I look back, but I don't regret it. All of my children were born when I was in my 20s, and I love that I am still young enough myself to have a next chapter after raising them that can be more about my goals, though mom-hood is always the most important role.

I lost my own mother two and a half years ago, two weeks after her 84th birthday. I was lucky to have her well into my adulthood, but it's always too soon to lose someone you love. No one loves you like your mom I discovered.

Now that my children are grown my role has changed. I am now cheerleader, sounding board and part of their support system. It's not my place to ever tell them what to do or how to live their lives, but I will share my thoughts and experiences when asked.

I have been to some of the darkest places you can go during these years, and been lucky enough to come out on the other side. I am one of the luckiest people in the world. It all could have looked very different, but I have been blessed.

No mother is perfect. I am sure my children have their issues and complaints. What I have learned in all my years on the planet is that everyone does the best they can at the time. Holding that belief makes it easier to never hold a grudge, not blame and to keep moving forward,

I cannot imagine what my life would look like without Dylan Shadrach, Benjamin Spencer, and Emma Eun Bee in it. They are my children, my favorite people in the world to hang with, and three people I feel very blessed to call my family. These tease me relentlessly, make me laugh harder than anyone, and as I saw when I lost my own mom, people who are there for me through thick and thin.

Mother's Day is generally a day where children thank their mom for being there for them and all they do. I want to switch things up and thank my children for making my life the rich, challenging, and amazing learning experience it's been. Thank you, you three, for all you've given me, which is far more than I've given you.

Valentine's Day is About Love, Not Just Romance

I was on Facebook yesterday and noticed a sad lament coming from many single women friends about facing this holiday alone.

Valentines Day can feel like a big fat red heart that with every beat seems to be saying "loser!" as you navigate the aisles of your local stores. I know, I've been there.

The thing is, whether you have a wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend does not make you more or less worthy. What your relationship status says on Facebook does not define you or your life.

It took me a long time to get that. I have spent Valentine's Days railing at the universe wondering why I was seemingly a failure at love. But then I realized something - whether there is a man in my life or not, I am loved. And so are you.

There are times in life where it's good to be alone. I am never more productive and creative than when I am single. Too often when in a relationship my focus shifts to that person - wanting to please my partner and make the relationship work, even if it isn't right. My friend Laura's mom, a stellar singleton herself, used to say to us, "Better to be alone than wish you were alone." I take that to mean, better to be single than in a relationship that isn't right.

I do hope someday I will find someone who loves me just as I am, and can build a happy life with, but until then I am okay. I am more than okay, and so are you.

I was barely awake when my phone rang this morning. It was one of my dearest friends, Lou calling me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day (or as she giggled, "Happy VD Day!") and to tell me she loved me. Being loved, no matter where it comes from is what matters.

You Are Loved. Don't ever forget that.

"Blue Valentine" - A Realistic Look at Love and Its Undoing

Once in a while I see a movie that stays with me. It doesn't happen often, but "Blue Valentine" is one of those films.

I saw it earlier this week and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. This morning I came across a piece on Huffington Post which crystallized a lot of what I'd been thinking.

What has stayed with me is the realization that most of us are all so fragile, needy and ultimately ill-equipped to be truly intimate - in a healthy way with anyone, that it's amazing the divorce rate isn't even higher. We all come into relationships with a laundry list of needs to be met- most of which are unconscious, of what we need from someone else in order to heal what we bring with us from childhood and past relationships. There are issues of abandonment, of control, fear of intimacy, insecurity and a myriad of other things that may be in the shadows during courtship, but ultimately emerge in full force as time goes on.

When someone pushes all the right buttons and resonates for us at a certain level, we can leap before we look and end up in a situation that was doomed from its inception.

As I watched Dean and Cindy (played with raw reality by Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams) fall for each other and then eventually fall apart, I saw that what drew them together is what over time was their undoing. What we find charming initially with someone, those quirks and behaviors that are at first blush adorable or at least tolerable to us, over time can be what leads to the demise of the relationship and erosion of love.

It has taken me a long time finally realize that people are who they are and they don't change. You cannot get into a relationship thinking someone will change and become who you wish them to be.

We live in a romantic comedy culture where people expect a happy outcome. That while at page 90 of the screenplay things are looking bleak, by 120 it will all be okay. The thing is, it doesn't usually happen that way.

As the author of that post says. there are four things that need to happen to grow a healthy relationship: This is Ira Reiss's "Wheel Theory of Love"
1. Rapport - that feeling of comfort with another
2. Self-revelation - where you let someone in, warts and all to see you as you are
3. Mutual dependence - you rely on each other and see yourselves as a couple
4. Fulfillment of needs - this person meets your personality needs.

It's a lot to think about, but as we approach Valentine's Day where everyone seems so desperate to at least think they have someone, perhaps it's a good reminder of what real love is and isn't. Falling in love is the easy part. Making a life someone? That takes a lot of work.

Mean Girls:Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

It seems since time eternal women have competed with each other over everything from men to jobs, looks and clothes.

You can often feel it when you enter a room. The not-so-subtle once-over that women give each other as they assess how they compare to each other. Is this women prettier? Thinner? More popular? Have better clothes? A better life per chance?

Men compete too, but it's never quite as personal. Maybe it's years spent in sports (not that women don't play sports too) that teaches men to just deal with their anger, get it out and move on.

Women on the other hand are schooled to be nice. Nice girls don't say how they feel, no, they tell their friends who then tell everyone else until it finally gets back to you.

Sadly, the behavior learned in the bathrooms of middle schools and plotted at slumber parties gets ingrained in some, and those mean girls grow up to be mean women. Women who don't think they can get ahead or feel good about themselves if there is someone who they perceive as having more than them. The thing is, no one has it all, not even Gywneth Paltrow.

I happen to be someone who believes the universe is infinitely abundant. One person's success does not take away from mine. If you win the lottery it doesn't mean I can't too. If you meet the love of your life it shows me that good things can happen.

My wish is that women will stop looking at each other as threats and embrace each other as supporters of each others' dreams. Imagine how far we could all get if we spent the energy we waste tearing someone else down and put it toward building ourselves and each other up. The possibilities are endless.

Ted Williams: Is the Media Helping Him or Using Him?

Unless you have been residing under a rock this past week, you have seen the fairy tale-like story of homeless man, Ted Williams, "The man with the golden voice" play out across all the morning news shows, late night TV and newspapers.

Here in the States we love a happy ending. But not nearly as much as we like the fall that inevitbaly comes later. Already we're seeing images of past arrests juxtaposed with his recording voiceovers for MSNBC and Kraft. We just love to build people up to tear them down and then discard them when the new shiny toy of the moment comes along.

The problem is no one, especially someone troubled enough to become an addict and consequently homeless for many years, can have the skills required to manage the onslaught of pressure that comes with sudden celebrity. Williams appears to be extremely fragile and I can't help but wonder - who's lookng out for his well-being? Relatively newly sober I worry if he has the strength and skills to deal with the baracudas out there who only want a piece of him for their own gain.

Reading how his reunion with his mother, whom he's not seen in over ten years was delayed until all was clear with producers, showed me that this isn't about helping a troubled man, it's about ratings. And if all does not go well and Williams succombs to the pressures, you can be sure they'll all be right there when he goes to "Celebrity Rehab." Shame on all of them.